PURITY BALLS

It's actually, not as sexy as it sounds. Turns out they're for Fathers and Daughters to make a pledge that they won't have sex until they're married. (the daughters to someone else, silly...not marrying their fathers!!!)

Oh, and there's swords!!!

Symbols and Substance

After dinner comes the ballet performance, when seven tiny ballerinas in white tulle float in; then seven older dancers carry in a large, heavy wooden cross, which they drape in white, with a crown of thorns. Four of the five Wilson daughters are among the dancers, and they offer a special dance to their father, to the music of Natalie Grant: Your faith, your love And all that you believe Have come to be the strongest part of me And I will always be your baby ...

Then Randy and his friend Kevin Moore stand in front of the cross, holding up two large swords, points crossed. Fathers and daughters process beneath the swords to kneel; the girls place a white rose at the base of the cross while the fathers offer a quiet blessing.

But the best, the absolute best part of the entire article is the following:

Out on the terrace under an almost moon, the black swans have vanished into the lake. David Diefenderfer has slipped outside for a cigarette; he's a leathery South Dakotan in a big black cowboy hat, and he hands over his card. HAVE GUN, WILL TRAVEL: BREEDER SERVICE, it says, with a picture of a syringe. He's in the cattle-reproduction business. He's also the father of nine children by seven women.

Nine children by SEVEN DIFFERENT WOMEN?! His balls are anything but pure.

DO DEAD PEOPLE WATCH US?!

There's a lot of bullshit articles that tempt you to click on them as you're logging into your email, and usually I pass them by...but this one was too good to pass up.

Some highlights:

***
What is the difference between a medium and a psychic?
A medium is a psychic, but a psychic is not necessarily a medium. Someone who is just psychic can give you a prediction, but they can’t tell you where or who they got it from. I (and other true mediums) not only can tell you what is going on and what will happen, but we can tell you who on the Other Side is bringing the message. I’m the whole package, baby!
***

I love how she tossed in the "and other TRUE mediums!" Are you telling me that there's fakers out there who can't really talk to the dead?! For shame! How do those assholes live with themselves?!

***
What do we look like when we die?
We no longer have any physical appearance. We’re pure energy. When I’m doing a reading, the dead do have ways of showing me some appearance that allows me to describe them to their loved one on this side, but to be honest, I don’t know how they do that.
***

She doesn't know how they do that?! Why not ask them?!

***
Do dead people watch us shower? Does Grandma know what I like to do that in bed?
Sure they can! And Grandma certainly does … They see us in the bathroom and they see us in the bedroom! But who cares? They’re dead! Who’re they gonna tell anything?

Don’t freak out. The thing you need to remember is that they are not in the flesh — they remember the flesh, but it’s not of any concern to them any more. They’re not judging. It’s not like they’re going, “Whoa! Has she got a big butt!” or “If I was him, I’d shaved that!” or “Holy Moly! Did ya ever see such a big …” Well, you get the point. The dead are not “Peeping Toms” — they don’t get any special thrill out of “watching,” it’s not entertainment to them — that’s thinking in human terms. They just look at it like human nature, like we might see two animals going at it and just look at it as animal nature. Maybe we might smile, or even laugh. But it’s not judgment. We don’t expect a couple of dogs or squirrels to be embarrassed that we see them doing what they’re doing. Yes, the dead certainly do see us in the shower or making love, but it’s just like we might witness an ordinary act of human kindness. We don’t judge it. We just smile and think, “how beautiful.” They are just happy that you are experiencing love or maybe just one-night-stand pleasure. They are happy for you. The dead are not nearly as stuffy about sex — not even our dead Sicilian fathers!

And before you even ask the question — yes, they also see all our secret, sneaky behavior —they see us raiding the refrigerator and scarfing up the ice cream and the leftover lasagna when we’re supposed to be on a diet; they see us picking our nose when we can’t find a kleenex. Again, in their eyes, it’s just ordinary human behavior. No judgment. They also see us in the operating room and in the classroom, and at our holiday table. They enjoy with us all the events we celebrate in our life and they also walk us through our sorrows and heartaches.

Is it possible to ask the dead for a moment of privacy? Can we have a “Would you please avert your eyes, Grams?” moment with the Other Side?
I hate to break it to you, but, no. Even if you said, “Don’t look,” that wouldn’t stop them. What about God? You never think about God looking, right? It’s the same thing. Does God ever stop looking? No. When your grandparents are over there, they are one with God. You can’t just turn that off or hide from it.
***

See, I read this and laugh my ass off...but what scares me is that there people who actually read this childish bullshit and take it as "fact?!" I mean, really...Grandma is up in Heaven watching your every moment? Does God hand out ginormous binoculars once you enter the Pearly Gates?! And how boring is Heaven that THIS is how she'd rather spend her eternity?!

And just when you think this article can't get any stupider...it does:

***
Do the dead have sex?
No! They are energy forms so they don’t have the same needs and desires of the flesh. They don’t make love, they don’t eat anything, and no, they don’t go to the bathroom. They’re in spirit form, not flesh. I know, you’re probably thinking, “No food? No sex? I’m not going!”

Is there such thing as a “dirty old ghost”?
Well I didn’t exactly say that the dead didn’t have a sense of humor about the body and being in the flesh. They may touch someone or push someone, just to show they can do it. I’ve twice had a spirit actually try to make love to me. Very strange, but not scary — of course I can’t speak for everyone on that count.
***

WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?!

E3 VIDEOS OF AWESOMENESS

E3 just ended yesterday, and left behind tons of trailers to get us gamers (losers) all sorts of excited for the remainder of this year. Here's what caught my eye:

SILENT HILL: HOMECOMING

(the movie was shit, but Molly and I love these games. She solves the puzzles, I kill the no-face-big-boobie-nurses!!!)

SIREN: BLOOD CURSE

(a download-only title for PS3...it's going to be broken into 12 "episodes" that make up an entire season of this "documentary" that follows silly Americans wandering into haunted Japanese villages.)

RESISTANCE 2

(...did you just watch that clip?! That's simply 3 minutes of what this incredible game has to offer. Boss fights that are straight out of the biggest Hollywood blockbusters!)

MOTORSTORM 2: PACIFIC RIFT

(just an insanely fast racing game that also has beautifully detailed graphics)

MIRROR'S EDGE

(it's rare to play a "first person perspective" and NOT have it be a "shooter." This seems to be one of the most innovative games coming out this year...or maybe 2009)

I'm sure I'll post more videos as I come across them. Overall, it was a pretty decent showing this year.

WITHOUT SPOILING ANYTHING...

You WILL NEVER be able to forget The Joker's "pencil trick."

Ever.

(oh, and the film is as awesome as the hype demanded it to be!)

PSSSSSSST...

I get to go to The Dark Knight screening tonight...

...jealous?!

CANCER CAN GO FUCK ITSELF

Tony Snow, dead at the age of 53.

SOME PEOPLE MIGHT SAY IT'S GETTING OLD...

...but I think Sacha Baron Cohen can milk this for as long as he wants.

(UPDATE)

He's also fooled a bunch of rowdy Arkansas wrestling fans to come see "Some hardcore cage fighting and $1 beers," only to have the two muscled men start ripping their clothes off and kissing each other!

"Bruno" showed up in Israel and the results were pretty funny.



Some highlights:

And they were, indeed, basic, relating to our expectations for the Israeli-Palestinian peace process. Then one of us mentioned Hamas, and the exchange that ensued went something like this:

“Vait, vait. Vat’s zee connection between a political movement and food. Vy hummus?”

We exchanged astonished glances. “Hamas,” we explained, “is a Palestinian Islamist political movement. Hummus is a food.”

“Ya, but vy hummus? Yesterday I had to throw away my pita bread because it vas dripping hummus. Unt it’s too high in carbohydrates.”

The Hamas-hummus confusion went on for several minutes. Then, the interviewer declared: “Your conflict is not so bad. Jennifer-Angelina is worse.”

We probed our limited memory of Hollywood scandals: Was he comparing the Israeli-Palestinian conflict to some sort of tension between Brad Pitt’s former and current wives?

And so it went. The cameras kept rolling, the cameramen never cracking a smile. “Vy don’t you Jews and Arabs settle the conflict with a time share on the land?” “Ven vill you Jews return the pyramids?” “Vy can’t Jews and Hindus get along?”