CHOCOLATE JESUS

I totally agree that "My Sweet Lord" which is a life-size Jesus sculpture made out of chocolate is offensive and insulting to Christians. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go out and buy some non-insulting, Pro-Christian, innocently awesome (and delish!) Easter chocolate candy...

ANOTHER SIGN WE MUST BE WINNING THE "WAR ON TERROR"

The Marines are going to kick you out if you get any more tattoos! Wow, so now I have TWO ways of not going to war if I'm drafted. Act gay and get a giant penis tattoo on my arm! Done and done...

"...ANY DAY I'M HERE COULD BE THE DAY I DIE."

Go buy this week's issue of Newsweek. You have to, if only so that you can get a sense of how so many of our young people are sacrificing so much, while the rest of us go shopping. And hey, I'm right there alongside you.

This entire issue is about "The Iraq War in The Words of America's Dead."

This section of "Last Letters From Iraq" is enough to make you forget about the reasons we went to war and focus on the troops themselves. It'll tear your heart out, I promise.

FUCKING CANCER (PART 1,275)

Now Tony Snow's cancer has returned...

At least this photo I found of the White House Press Secretary from back in his talk radio days can brighten up my day a lil' bit...


Look at that goofy bastard! Surely he'll be able to beat it again, right?

BILL MAHER: TRAITORS DON'T GET TO QUESTION MY PATRIOTISM!

He was on fire this week:


"Just saying you're patriotic is like saying you have a big cock...if you have to say it, chances are it's not true."

CHILDREN OF MEN DVD

Just a reminder that it comes out Tuesday. There's a nice li' interview with the director here. It sounds like he filmed a documentary specificly for the DVD's release about how we're headed down an eerie path similar to the one in the movie. (Except we're still having babies...for now.)

LOST * THE MAN FROM TALAHASSEE (SPOILERS)

From the very first scene of Locke's flashback, you could tell this was going to be a very interesting episode...

The way they framed that scene of Locke talking to the woman in the Disability Office, with the question of if he was in or out of his wheelchair was a subtle, yet intriguing touch.

Kate, Locke and Sayid (oh, and the French Woman) went off to rescue Jack from The Others. They made it all the way to their "neighborhood" and were close to making their move until they spotted Jack...playing football with The Others? Laughing and smiling?! Perhaps he doesn't want to be rescued? Perhaps he just wants to play the piano?!


Kate ends up making her move, with Sayid playing guard...but Locke. Locke has his own motives. Locke wants Ben to tell him where The Others keep their submarine.


Soon we discover that Jack indeed doesn't want to be "rescued," It's been arranged that him and Juliet will be using the submarine and leaving the island within the hour! Well, they would be if Locke hadn't decided to load the sucker up with explosives and destroy it!


In the end, we learn that Alex thinks her Mother is dead. (She's not, she's actually the French Woman.) That The Others cannot leave the island since "the sky turn purple" (when Desmond blew up the Hatch) and that even if Jack and Juliet had left on the submarine, they never would have found the island again. Ben is constantly manipulating people into doing exactly what he wants them to do. (He actually was glad that Locke destroys the submarine and forces Jack and Juliet to remain on the island. We also learn about a "magic box" that creates "whatever you wish for." Locke had the best line in the entire show after Ben told him about the magic box. "Well, you better hope it's big enough for you to wish for a new submarine!"

But in the end, we learned exactly what happened that caused Locke to end up paralysed for four years before crashing (and being able to WALK?!) on the island. It wasn't pretty and pretty much sealed the deal that his Daddy is one evil mother fucker...


After trying to con yet another family, (Seriously, we all agree that Locke's Dad is the same "Sawyer" that used the con on Sawyer's family, right?) Locke confronts him in his high-rise apartment. Convinced that his Father has killed someone, he demands answers and wants to know why his Dad hasn't called off his phoney wedding to a Millionare. Locke's Father assures Locke that the wedding is called off and when Locke calls his bluff, he allows Locke to call her and confirm it for himself.

Just when Locke picks up the phone and asks, "What's her number?" his Dad rushing towards him fullspeed and pushes him out an 8 story window!!!


But the kicker, the thing that truly turns the blade deeper and just makes your gut go, "Nooooooooo waaaaaaaaaaay!!!" was the final scene. All captured, and being held hostage back at The Other's camp after Locke destroyed the submarine, Ben comes to Locke's cell. He explains to him that he needs to show him something. Perhaps something from the Magic Box? He opens up the door and sitting there, bound to a chair and gagged is The Man From Talahassee?! Locke's Father.

A much deeper explanation and insight is over here. I just loved this episode soooo much that I felt like I had to type something about it. Here's to next week!!!

FUCKING CANCER...

John Edwards' wife's Cancer has spread from her breast to her bone.

Somewhere Ann Coulter is thinking how she can make a punchline out of this.

TONIGHT'S LOST...

Kicked so much ass!!!



Seriously. Network TV shouldn't be this awesome.

THE NEVERENDING WAR.

If only this war had one of them awesome giant white flying dogs things...then, all would be swell. But since we're talking about make-believe hogwash, check out this quote from our beloved President on the fourth anniversary of the Iraq War:

"Four years after this war began, the fight is difficult, but it can be won," Bush said. "It will be won if we have the courage and resolve to see it through."

Isn't that nice. All we need is courage and resolve. Oh, and while we're at it, some magic pixie dust wouldn't hurt...

This reminds me of those "motivational speakers" that used to come to my grade school and middle school. You know, the ones that would fill your head with that, "If you work real hard, you can do ANYTHING you want!" Which sounds nice. But you know, I reeeeeeeally wanted to be a basketball player. I practiced all the damn time and hussled my ass off. But you know, after awhile I figured out that being 5'5" isn't going to cut it. I faced reality and gave that "Just dream and hope and pray real hard" bullshit out the window. You got to face the facts in life. You can't win everything and you sure as hell can't just ask for more "courage and resolve" in order to win a fucking war. Guess what Mr. President...YOU started this war and it's YOUR mess. Try and blame anyone you want for "cutting and running" or whatever other label you want to put on a withdraw. But after awhile, Americans get tired of seeing their young men and women come home without legs and arms and brain damage. Or even worse yet, dead.

I did this two years ago for a small college newspaper in Warrensburg, Missouri. I honestly thought this bullshit war would be over by now. Sadly, this comic is still as relevant today as it was back then.

RICKY GERVAIS CARES ABOUT AFRICA (BUY EXTRAS SEASON ONE DVD-ON SALE NOW!!!)

Simply brilliant!


**UPDATE**

It looks like he's going to write one more episode of EXTRAS. Sweeeeeeet.

GOD OF WAR II (YES, AGAIN...)

I know you're sick of hearing me go on and on about this game, God knows Molly sure is, but please check out this cut-scene from early on in the begining levels. I got up to this point last night before having to turn it off and go to bed. It brought a smile to my face, because friends, this is what video games should be. Thoughtful, art-filled creations that envoke the kind of emotional stimulation that movies and television provide. You can tell that the developers poured their heart and souls into this project and wanted it to be something special. It truly is.

FOR THOSE OF YOU KEEPING SCORE AT HOME:

Homosexuals: Immoral.

Firebombing Entire Villages: Totally Awesome in the Eyes of the Lord!

To quote the late, great Bill Hicks (who did this bit back in the early 90's by the way):

"...you never see my attitude in the press, that's what bugs me. You never see my point of view...for instance, 'gays in the military.'

Now, I dunno how you all feel about it, but here's how I feel about it...

Anyone...DUMB ENOUGH...to want to be in the military, should be allowed in. End of fucking story. That should be the only requirement.

I don't care how many push ups you can do...put on a helmet, go wait in that foxhole, and we'll tell you when we need you to kill somebody.

You know, I'm sick of hearing military guys saying, "The 'esprit de corps' will be affected, and we are such a moral.." Excuse me, aren't y'all hired fucking killers? SHUT UP! You are thugs, and when we need you to go blow the fuck outta a nation of little brown people we'll let you know. Until then...shut the fuck up.

Where did the fucking military get all these morals?! "We are the military, is that a village of children and kids? Where's the napalm? (explosion!) I don't want any gay people hanging around me when I'm killing women and kids...eeeeew. I just dont wanna see it!"

CHENEY KNOWS ALL...(UPDATED)

...and of course today is "Opposite Day."

CNN posted this news story and amazingly pointed out how utterly stupid the man is:

In a speech to the American Israeli Public Affairs Committee (AIPAC), Cheney said even discussion of a withdrawal tells "the enemy to watch the clock and wait us out."

And an actual pullout would send an even worse message, he said.

"If terrorists conclude attacks will change the behavior of a nation, they will attack the nation again and again," he said. "The only option for our security and survival is to go on the offensive ... until our enemy is destroyed."

Cheney has, however, praised Britain's withdrawal of troops from Iraq. He called it a positive sign that part of the country in which British troops were focusing has achieved relative security.

Seriously?! It's a good thing when Britain leaves, but a bad thing if we do?

Who cares what this cold-hearted-robotic-bastard thinks? When has he been right about anything?!

...besides, with his former Chief-of-Staff awaiting a prison sentence, he might wanna just go hide in one of them "undisclosed locations" he used to visit all the time and just shut the fuck up.

**UPDATE**

Looks like Fmr. Sen. Max Cleland (D) has a nice question for ol' Cheney:


"Where the hell were YOU during Vietnam?!"

SUICIDE SQUIRRELS!!!

Fuck. Now al Qaeda is recruiting our rodents!!!

Suicide Squirrels Driving Utilities Nuts
By Alan Gomez
USA Today
(March 12) - Every year, Neil Engelman carefully collects his data, stands before his company's board of directors and is asked the same question: What caused more outages? The lightning or the squirrels?

Four of the past five years, the answer has been the squirrels, says Engelman, vice president of operations for the Lincoln Electric System in Nebraska. Nebraska is not alone. Many states are grappling with a big increase in the number of power outages caused by squirrel electrocutions.

Squirrels that fry themselves on power lines and transformers cause tens of thousands of blackouts every year.

Some states have seen a massive jump in recent years in the number of such outages. In Georgia, squirrel-related outages more than tripled from 5,273 in 2005 to 16,750 in 2006.

While the outages are usually smaller than ones caused by weather, they are costly. Georgia Power officials estimate the rodents cost them $2 million last year. Stopping the squirrels is costing utilities millions more dollars.

"It's serious when it causes power outages to 50-60,000 people," said Cathy Engel, a spokeswoman for PECO, which provides electricity to the Philadelphia area.

It appears that the problem may in part be due to acorns.

Acorns from oak trees are a squirrel's main diet, says Peter Smallwood, a squirrel expert and biology professor at the University of Richmond in Virginia. When oaks produce more acorns, you get more squirrels - and more outages.

Smallwood, who has studied squirrels for more than 20 years, said their affinity for power lines and fighting through manmade barriers is in their nature.

"They're naturally curious, and they are also determined," Smallwood said.

Squirrels are not electrocuted when they run across power lines. It's when their body makes contact with both the wire and either the ground or a transformer that they become a conduit for electricity to flow through.

"That completes the circuit and bammo!" said Ed Bettinger of the Public Service Company of Oklahoma.

Among recent outages:

-- A squirrel caused a power outage in October that shut down Merced College, southeast of San Francisco, for half the day.

-- In January, a squirrel cut power to 4,500 customers in Amarillo, Tex.

-- Hundreds of gallons of raw sewage poured into Mobile Bay in Alabama after a squirrel cut power to a sewage lift station there.

Stopping the squirrels is not easy.

"Those guys are awfully clever," said Tim Fox with Ameren, which provides electricity to St. Louis-area homes and businesses.

"When they want to get into something, they do," Fox said.

In Lincoln, dubbed a Tree City USA by the National Arbor Day Foundation, "squirrel guards" have been placed on all 19,391 transformers.

The guards vary. Some are plastic or silicone caps that protect the point where the power line and the transformer meet. The "Critter Guard" features a flat disk that spins around whenever a squirrel tries to climb past. Others deliver a minor shock to the squirrel to scare it off.

PECO, which powers Philadelphia and its surrounding counties, spends $1 million a year on squirrel guards to stop outages from "those rascally little varmints," Engel said.

The utilities say they're seeing some success. PECO has seen its squirrel-related outages tumble from 11,605 in 2003 to 1,345 in 2006.

But squirrels adapt to the technology, forcing the utilities to switch to different forms of what's known in the business as "wildlife abatement technology."

"Whenever we think we've got them figured out, they try something else," Engelman said.

WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN?!

I got a feeling this is going to be the longest blog post ever, so feel free to skip it or come back later for some juicy video game clips or something lighter than me talking about my dead Father. It's so surreal, I mean, I was there when he passed away, I watched him die, but it just hasn't sunk in yet. Even as Molly and I are working on a slideshow for his funeral, I can't seem to comprehend the fact that I'll never see him again.

I'm not going to lie and act like me and my Dad were best friends. In fact, we butted heads more often then not. But we still loved each other. I was just more in line with my Mother than my Father. He was always into going hunting, working on cars, country music, watching old Westerns and War movies...stuff that my Brother would soak up like a sponge, I was never really interested in. I, like my Mom, enjoyed arts and crafts, rock music, and Disney cartoons. My Dad went to Vietnam, my Mom went to peace rallies. My Mom wore her emotions on her sleeve, my Dad folded his up and hid them in his back pocket.

He had a horrible relationship with his Father and I think it reflected on the way he was with us. His Dad left his Mother when he was very young. His Father was an alcoholic and developed Liver problems. While on his death bed, my Father refused to go see him, explaining that he "wasn't a Father to me." That's some cold shit. So, he grew up rough, not expecting shit from anyone and not easily letting people get beneath his thick skin.

But he also had a wicked sense of humor. A very dark, sarcastic, pull-no-punches demeanor. He would ask me and my Brother if we wanted to "go visit our real parents" as we would drive home from dinner. Or if we "wanted to go get a new Mama." We would always cry out, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" And he would just smirk.

"C'mon, let's go get a Redhead Mama!"
"No, Dada!!! We love OUR Mama!!!"

I do that to my son now...only he goes, "Okay! Bye Mama!" The joke doesn't work if he's willing to toss Molly under the bus...

He used to work for the railroad and be gone for 3 days at a time. I'd always be asked to be "The MAN of the house" when he left. I wore that with pride. One night, it was just my Mom, me and my Brother and there was a knock at the door. I go look through the window and there's a monster looking at me! Giant yellow eyes and big sharp teeth! I run screaming into the bathroom where my Mom was taking a bath...

"MOM!!! THERE'S SOMEONE AT THE DOOR!!! IT'S A MONSTER AND IT'S COMING TO GET US!!!"

My Mom jumped out of the tub so fast, not even bothering to grab a towel! There, in the doorway stod my Father, laughing and holding a Halloween mask. My Mom was so mad at him. I'm telling you, the man enjoyed scaring the living snot out of us.

He'd take us to the Drive-In and always say that the movie we were supposed to see was broken and that they were going to show Gremlins instead. (To this day, that movie gets to me...fucking PG my ass!!!) Or leave for the restroom and then sneak up on the side of the truck and scare us senseless...it's amazing that I survived.

When my Mom first battled Cancer, we felt like she was going to die right then and there. But after three years, losing both of her breasts, and dealing with all the effects of chemo, she seemed to have beaten it. That's when the tumor in her brain showed up and changed everything. She lost the ability to walk, to dress herself, to go to the restroom...my Dad took care of all of that for her. We had a hot tub in the backyard and he built a ramp and deck for her to be able to ride her scooter right up next to it. Seriously, you could've landed a jumbo jet on this deck...he loved her so much.

After she died, he turned to drinking. He'd always enjoyed beer and getting tipsy, but being all alone and depressed took it's toll. So, when he decided to start dating a few months after my Mom had passed, my Brother and I were actually relieved. I'm sure my Mother and him had talked about "moving on" while she was sick. Although some in the family felt like he was dating "too soon," both Kelly and I felt like it was getting him out of the house and away from just drinking himself silly.

He ended up getting re-married to Marilyn, who's family owned a Harley Davidson dealership (where I'm typing this from right now...hold on, I need to sell some ass-less chaps real quick...)

Marilyn's daughter had two children and My Dad became a Papa! He cherished every moment of it. The thick skin, the tough love faded somewhat and he--dare I say it--actually SPOILED them!!!

When he developed a brain tumor over two years ago, we felt like we'd lose him pretty soon. But with the advancements in medicine, he survived! Never lost his hair, never really got sick...it was amazing. But then, an MRI showed four new tumors, in areas of the brain where no Cancer had been before. Even though he had surgery to remove two of them, I felt like this was it...the other shoe had fallen.

He slowly got worse and worse and within the last couple of weeks completely loss everything. Couldn't form sentences, didn't really know who people were...it was awful seeing him like that.

And so, even though there's a pain deep in my gut, I know that it's better this way. He couldn't have gotten better...the tumors just continued to grow larger and effect more of his motor skills. The only thing we could have hoped for was for him to not be in any pain, and to pass away at home with his family surrounding him. And that happened. So you just tell yourself that it's okay. People die, life goes on and you enjoy every single day you have left.

I just want to end this by saying thank you all. I know it's tough because you're thinking, "Fuck...what do I say to this poor bastard?!" But it's okay. I'm okay and Molly and Lex are keeping me in good spirits. I appreciate all the kind emails and phonecalls. You mean the world to me, whether we see each other once a month, once a year, or have never even met face to face. Friends and family are what this life is all about. I'm lucky to have met so many awesome people over 27 lil' years on this Earth.

Thanks again...

...

My Father died last night at the age of 56. I'm now without a Mother or a Father thanks to Cancer. I'll write much more in the next couple of days, but right now I have a couple bottles of Amaretto and a word or two with God to take care of...

Seriously though, I'm actually holding up quite well. In fact, as I got the news last night that he was close to the end, Molly and I were trying to get Lex to get into bed. I'm crying like a baby and ask Lex for a hug. He proceeds to tell Molly, "Mama! You don't hit Dada!! You're in timeout!!!"

Things like that are what will get me through this.

TOM WAITS VIDEOPALOOZA

I Don't Wanna Grow Up (one of my favorite songs ever)


Downtown Train (fuck Rod Stewart)


Hold On

ANN COULTER BEING ANN COULTER...

Still, it's odd to see the Conservative audience clapping and laughing their asses off...



As Media Matters points out, this isn't the first time Coulter has used gay-bashing to trash Democrats:

As Media Matters for America documented, Coulter called former Vice President Al Gore a "total fag" on the July 27 edition of MSNBC's Hardball, claiming immediately that the comment was "a joke." At the end of the interview, host Chris Matthews said: "Thanks for coming on. And a smart lady. Her book's called Godless. Sometimes being smart isn't enough for a civil discourse. We'd love to have her back."

She called President Clinton a "latent Homosexual."

And she put "even money" on Hillary "coming out of the closet."

Nor is it the first time she's attacked Edwards. Take a gander at this column where she goes after Edwards for talking about his dead son:

Edwards has talked about his son's death in a 1996 car accident on "Good Morning America," in dozens of profiles and in his new book. ("It was and is the most important fact of my life.") His 1998 Senate campaign ads featured film footage of Edwards at a learning lab he founded in honor of his son, titled "The Wade Edwards Learning Lab." He wears his son's Outward Bound pin on his suit lapel. He was going to wear it on his sleeve, until someone suggested that might be a little too "on the nose."

If you want points for not using your son's death politically, don't you have to take down all those "Ask me about my son's death in a horrific car accident" bumper stickers? Edwards is like a politician who keeps announcing that he will not use his opponent's criminal record for partisan political advantage. I absolutely refuse to mention the name of my dearly beloved and recently departed son killed horribly in a car accident, which affected me deeply, to score cheap political points.

YEAR ZERO

I dunno if you are a fan of Nine Inch Nails or not, but there's plenty of weird shit going on here.

Check out the websites along the bottom left corner. Listen to the four amazing songs leaked thus far. And for the love of God, watch the clip that has it's link somewhat hidden in the upper right-hand corner. (HI LO)

You know you were somewhat let down with WITH TEETH...here Reznor seems to have made a "concept record" about America in the future and how fucked up things have gotten. It's already more focused than his last record, and a hell of a lot more interesting!

INTERVIEW WITH MATT GROENING

Here's why I adore the man... (that's two guys I "love" in one day...no one tell my wife!)

*****
Crave Online: Are you more involved now than you were in the past?

Matt Groening: The idea that I was not involved with the show or less involved with the show is simply not true. I've always been involved with the show. It's true there's only 24 hours in a day so then I have to work on Futurama. I can't be two places at once but the best thing about having two TV shows is I can go to each show and say I have to go to the other show and then I can go do whatever I want. Talk about a day job and night job, my night job after The Simpsons is Futurama, which is coming back on Comedy Central in 2008, 16 new episodes, and we're going to be running the old episodes, as well. Then, I a draw a weekly comic strip that locally appears in the LA Weekly and it appears in alternative news weeklies around the country. That's something I do just by myself. I get to go and sit at a drawing board. Generally, I put it off as long as possible. It's due on Fridays at 5:30, I have to get it on the computer. So I start drawing it Friday afternoon. I can't twist my ankle. I can't get the flu. I've got to do it. So far, 27 years I've been doing that.

Crave Online: Why do you still want to do a comic strip?

Matt Groening: It's me working by myself. It keeps me honest and The Simpsons is the biggest collaborative project I could imagine and this is me by myself. They serve different needs. The great thing about hand lettering is there's no editing. I don't turn my stuff in and it gets changed around at all. It is what it is and I love it.
*****

The man has more money than GOD and still produces a weekly comic! (although he says Family Guy is "funny." ewwwwwww...)

CHILDREN OF MEN DVD--THIS MONTH!!!

No box art yet, but IGN gives us the tasty details!



On March 27, 2007, Universal Studios Home Entertainment will release Children of Men on DVD and HD DVD. The DVD will be available for a MSRP (Manufacturer's Suggested Retail Price) of $29.98. The HD DVD disc will be priced at $39.98.


*Deleted Scenes!

*Possibility of Hope -- A chilling documentary features the world's leading futurists and philosophers examining social and economic shifts that find expression in Children of Men.

*Theo and Julian -- In exclusive on-set interviews, actors Clive Owen and Julianne Moore offer up insights and secrets about the complex and compelling characters they have created in Children of Men.

*Futuristic Designs -- Director Alfonso Cuaron created an original and dynamic vision of the future for this film. Follow his vision as it goes from concept to seething cinematic life in this featurette.

*Visual Effects: Creating the Baby -- Uncover the incredible visual effects used to create a life-like baby in the film.

*Men Under Attack -- Children of Men features amazingly realistic scenes of the chaos and violence and groundbreaking, Oscar-nominated cinematography by Emmanuel Lubezki, called by Rolling Stone's Peter Travers "a weaver of visual miracles." This mini-documentary breaks down two of the most terrifying scenes in the film -- the cafe explosion and a car under violent attack from all sides -- to show how the filmmakers created sequences in which "You don't just watch the scene, you live inside it, ducking each fresh, ferocious assault."

WHY I LOVE BILL MAHER

Because he's funny and thoughtful at the same time. Here's his latest blog over at The Huffington Post and I laughed and cringed as I read it. His last line sums it up perfectly:

People ask why we haven't been hit again since 9/11. The answer is luck.

ABOUT THAT "MAKING THE COUNTRY SAFER" THING...

Eh, maybe we're just safe enough as it is?!

(Basically it's a story about how the Bush administration is going to veto 9/11 legislation over some Union members protection bullshit. Cause al-Qaeda isn't shit compared to people making overtime!!!)